“He was beside us, wrapped around us, melting in his anger…”
With a huge perpendicular wink, which told tomes about his feelings, D. delivered his story with unspeakable ease, asking me in a few well-chosen silences to share this knowledge with others. This story turned my understanding of Hate and Hatred bottomside up. I became almost abnormally fond of D.
His extreme modesty and incomparable shyness always brought little dimples into his pink cheeks. For the most of D’s life those dimples were suppressed. The best he could do at that time was to look poignantly sad.
Gentlemen and ladies, I am inexorably grateful for the gift of this friendship. I’m voicing his story now, and I know you will appreciate my so doing.
Hate is the most uncomfortable, impoverished, and disagreeable feeling to live with. It unites the long-living and actively ongoing qualities and requires enormous emotional energy. And it sucks this energy from a human being like a hungry vampire from an unfortunate victim.
People tend to feed hate with strong inner impulses and keep their attention on the subject of their hate with admirable fixedness. Those who are in an advanced stage of hatred to someone had better remember about chronic psychological effects that they inflict on themselves. Emotional exhaustion, sadness, rage, depression, anxiety just to name a few.
Shockingly, some researchers believe all people are capable to feel hate. Others suggest that this ill-natured feeling is a learned emotion, uncommon and abnormal for a compassionate person. I myself think that hatred is as rusty as a key that has no lock to fit in an empathetic human being.
Hate is inhaled together with humiliation, mistreatment, feeling of impotence. As an artificially grown black rose, that you may buy to go to the funeral, this feeling cannot becomingly complete a bouquet of beautiful and kind emotions. It spoils the whole picture, sticking out and disgustingly protruding.
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Hate tends to invert itself – transforming the whole system of human emotions into diabolical self-hatred. It warns and threatens other positive feelings, poisoning the inner and outer atmosphere of a person. It makes life an impalpable greyness with nothing underfoot, with nothing around to rejoice at.
Forgiveness and compassion can help to avail this sickly atmosphere. These positive emotions are gloriously strong and make one believe in his own right and less in the right of people to harm him and still less in the right of hatred to ruin his life.
1) Keep in Close Touch with Your Motives
D. meditated his hate, crying quietly, shouting inwardly. He was utterly desperate in his desire to inflict the same suffering upon a person, who was responsible for that devastating emotional pain, soul-torture, heartbreaking outcry of his whole being.
His wife was the only means of complete and ineffable happiness. She was the very essence, which D. had defined as Life. Her heart stopped beating and the Hatred to the person (who drove the car in a state of alcohol intoxication, killed his wife and remained almost unharmed) began to control his existence with innate and unlearnable satisfaction.
To figure out why hatred invaded your being, why this particular person represents poison to your emotions is a form of ultimate life-defining wisdom. To master hate-diminishing practices means to obtain a mature capacity for fidelity, for belief in humankind, and for love itself. Every person should preserve positive emotions and be determined to not let hate become a first-hand feeling in the system of human inner structure.
One could not deny that hatred is a hellish feeling. And everyone needs to walk away from it. Understanding of the triggers of this emotion is a path that one can take to get as far from it as it is possible.
2) Try to Accord with the Disturbing Person
The ghost of an idea to get to know that person better (and if not to forgive, but at least to make an effort to free his spirit from a tormenting feeling of anger, that didn’t let D. breath fully, function satisfactory, and live bearably) invaded his thoughts.
He visited M. in prison eighteen months and four days after the car crash. The expression on her face told him wordlessly that he should (if he would be so kind) spend a moment in her presence, make an effort to not shout from inner pain, listen if she had anything to say, have a look into her eyes for just a fraction of a second… and just be quiet.
An apocalyptic face, whiter than Death’s itself, seemed incapable of even a glimpse of smile anymore. D. felt his hatred if not slipping away but for sure diminishing. In front of him there was a woman that made a fatal mistake, a mother that could not be beside her kids, a wife that lost her husband’s trust and love. D., for one, had her to blame. M. had gone on for every night without consolation of exoneration.
Perhaps nearly every human being, given sufficiently miserable circumstances, will (from time to time) ridicule, proceed to heap insults upon a weaker or already more mutilated personality. Hatred is a symbol of all that is evil and it comes from evil deeds done to that person, that now is deliberately hurting others.
Most of the time people inflict pain to others out of fear, insecurity, or personal agony. To feel empathy to this person in your head and in your belly at the same instant, sincerely and openly is possible only when you know the history of that ill-behaving personality.
It may strike you as intensely difficult to get along with the person that made you suffer. In the case of a certain type of human behavior, you may find it easier to transform hate into ‘not liking’ someone when you understand that the more cruel are the miseries inflicted upon anyone the more cruel does he become toward others.
3) Become a Man Absolutely Above Reproach of Negativity
After the meeting with the person who killed his wife, D. was unhurriedly and calmly propelling himself in the direction of recognition of his loss and acceptance of his fate. He did not forgive M., he still felt the pangs of hate very often. That was a huge step forward to a new life, where moments without this suffocating feeling were visiting him more and more often.
D. had never in his life so perfectly understood (even to the most exquisite nuances) that state of hatred he lived in for so long. But prior to that meeting he had not even one-third the command over it. His ability to distract his thoughts and recover some balance in his feelings ranked better with each new day.
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When confronted by a feeling of hate you become a humiliated victim of an utterly destructive weapon. There is about this feeling something irretrievably harmful, as if a personal corruption is shaking hands with you. And the more you think about the object of your hate the weaker you become.
To say ‘No’ to distractive thoughts means to see better days. There are many methods of cuddling your mind by pleasanter and warmer ideas, plans for the future, memories from the past. You can start a journal of positive recollections and put yourself in a contented state every time you read it.
Watch your large smile in the mirror, and the dark morning will get brighter. Renewed vigor can bring an uplifting book by a pen of your favorite author or a magazine with inspiring articles and beautiful photos of happy people. One or two positive tricks weaved in your daily life – and hate is not pressing your heart anymore and you feel happy once again.
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4) Thrust Hateful Shock Upon a Paper
Although D.’s loss was the unspeakable and the unwritable history of agonizing anger and bitterness, he started to create by some occult process of self-mastery a diary of perfectly cruel time in his life. He wrote about the perpetrated deed of self-distraction committed by hatred.
He started to write down his feelings partly because he wanted to get rid of that hate, and partly because he wanted to have an evidence in the form of a written word of that time, to justify his desire to live when his wife was not among the living, to show her that he loved her and suffered tremendously from that loss.
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Ponderously seeking relief in composition of your thoughts most of the time means imprisoning your anger, dislike, and pain in words. Oddly unreadable, sad, and depressing those letters can be. The knuckles of your hands may whiten from the transmitted into a pen and then onto paper dislike.
Even painting symbolical pictures of revenge can help. The technical and verbal part of literature or any other self-expressing art that might be used simply does not matter. Your hands move in sharp, sometimes quick, often slow and precise gestures describing what that person has done to you. And when the paper is burning – with its ashes you let go of your hate.
The expression of your thoughts is private and you should keep it so. Terrible things you may write, and more terrible still would be to let it be seen by someone else. All your inner piercing peculiarities are recorded and even exaggerated when you depict your fears and weak sides of your inner nature. Things you write may be appalling and rereading those is inflicting even more pain. Tearing up or burning, though, on the contrary, is releasing yourself, freeing your spirit – making it flexible, prone to change.
5) Value Trustworthy Spectators and Listeners
This pain could not be pushed off or away, but D. started to talk about it with people who cared to listen. By doing so, D. rose from the domain of the inner prison cell he used to live in one on one with this feeling of hatred. He appeared on the surface where friendship and love of close people and consolation saturating from every encounter could help him to recover and drift peacefully along with the current of life.
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Close loving people represent all the vast conscious world of consolation, empathy and emotional and physical support that one can find outside himself. These people symbolize something that in your studious solitariness you cannot get. Become apt to believe in help that is coming from a friend.
The attitude of the body and limbs, of loving dignity, and emotional support are invaluable. The person possessing these qualities are able to settle and soothe the troubled spirits. If you have a person like that and you feel that you trust him – open your heart, talk to him, get a fresh understanding of the situation.
If you are too rudely buffeted by the troubling emotions, you require a rest – and finding yourself quite clad in care and attention of a person you are proud of having in your life is the best remedy. Relax in a company of a friend, the one you can talk a long time to, who will be attentive and intense, who will drink it all in and will help you to release your pain, anger, and misery.
6) Breath a Tepid Skepticism and Sickly Dislike out
From all the indescribables D. had known, definitely the most completely indescribable was the feeling of overwhelming loss, pain, and hatred mixed together. This cocktail made him sick to his stomach and dizzy in his head.
D. learned a special breathing technique to help him manage this dreadful inner hullabaloo tornado of disruptive feelings. It helped him to diminish that absolute and incurable hysteria of emotions and, with time, to extract it from his life almost completely.
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A person who is rapidly shooting up into angry thoughts and negative emotions should master the art of calming and relaxing breathing. The first note of peace will strike when you inhale in slow fives, hold for another 5, and then let it go with the final 5.
Keep washing away negativity with tenderly chosen words of self-compassion that you inwardly voice with each count. Your imagination needs rest. You tax it a great deal when you ruminate on the person you actively dislike. Treat yourself to a luxury of positive visualization. Feel your detestation passing away with each breath.
You break a negative thought pattern when from top to toe you feel at the very commencement of your own cleared atmosphere. Every technique should be made personal, considered and changed to fit you the best. With your own experimental geniality, suggest healing words and images that will be close to your mind and soul. A certain instinct lives in every one of us and murmurs to us that virtually we all are emotionally engaged with good and uplifting. Hate is the negative disengaging tool that breaks our peace and we need to make every effort possible to go back to our own orbit, a system of love and self-care.
7) Ease Your Pain in the Certitude of Positive and Healing Isolation
D. visited M., the unfortunate driver who killed his wife, only once. He could not force himself to go to the prison, that she was locked in, again. In one more year after their encounter, M. was released. When that news was announced in an official letter, D. felt bitterly disappointed. Were thirty months in prison enough to pay for the taking of someone else’s life? D. was in spite of himself with grief. The feeling of hate overwhelmed all his entire being all over again.
Their second encounter was forced on him by the authorities. D. needed to be present at the release meeting, where M. was going to declare her remorse, ask to believe in her renewed self, and plead to be forgiven. What a hellish thing it was to sit through it. D. could not lift his eyes to see her talking. When most of the time elapsed the door opened and two pairs of huge black buttonlike eyes entered the room.
A three-year-old boy and a 6-year-old girl, M.’s husband divorced her while she was in prison, but being a good father brought his kids to see their mother on the day of her release. The spectacle was refreshing for D.’s feelings. Now he stared all eyed in the scene of devoted love of a mother and unconditional love of her children.
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You are right if you think that interaction with a particular person should be limited. If you disapprove of someone, and you have your finger on the reason – you act respectfully toward yourself by spending as little time as possible with the person that disappoints you.
Being territorial about your private space is a correct emotional politics. There is no more usual basis for inner peace than an intentional refrain from negative emotional intruders. Unite the intrinsic and the extrinsic advantages of self-control and keep strong impulses of hate in ever diminishing order, till the point you’ve completely freed your mind of it.
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D. leaped to his feet and made for the door to shut it and never see these people again, to close that chapter of his life, and be partially contented with the idea that he could not hate this loving mother anymore and hopefully would not ever see these people again.
M. and her family moved to a different state, away from the memories and people who can judge her and bully her kids in school. Away, to start a new life.
If you like to organize, to contend and administer your thoughts and you work laboriously improving your methods, you can make your imagination work your will. Believe in your power to control your inner and outer state. Justify your belief by mastering techniques of willful thought-control. Train your imagination to stay absolutely cold in the face of a detestable person.
Hate, when endured even for a short time, can make you shockingly chipped and cracked. Cultivate self-protecting skills: bind yourself with a good book, relax in the company of a friend, open your heart to a diary. Do not let hate make you old and stale and faded. Have an actuality of positive attitude, of fresh impressions, new acquaintances – distract your thoughts with to-day ideas. This way you will be of more interest to yourself and will follow the train of your own inner self-improving reflections rather than fixing on hateful recollections.
You escape the clutches of negative thinking (and hate is the worst of all) when you develop self-compassion. In a state of self-love, you won’t let yourself to be locked in the torture chamber of sly and harmful thinking.
Time spent on hope, faith, and charity without losing in the least on aggressive emotions is increasing, rejuvenating, endless and gratifying. Fill the fragments of your life neatly and softly with forgiveness and kindness.